I have included here a list of essential must-know items for future parents. This list is intended to be comprehensive of everything you need to know in order to get you through the first week of baby rearing.
1. Be aware of barf. I believe to have discovered that a secret gland exists in babies whose purpose is to do nothing but produce barf. This discovery came as result of finding that after my pants and shirt had been spewed on in a bout of 3 or 4 good barfings, I realized that Logan could not possibly have anything more in his stomach. Yet, AGAIN he barfed! This vomiting appears to be a reflex that occurs in reponse to virtually any stimulus, such as light, darkness, blinking, eating, pooping, or the passing of time, showering, or especially diaper changing.
In mathematical terms, we can display this action as such:
Baby + anything = B^2 (where B is the barf constant)
2. Poop is deceptive. I have learned the fact that you can never trust a poop until the third passing. Here's an example:
Baby: *poop*
Parent: change diaper
Baby: *poop*
Parent: changing diaper...
Baby: in the middle of changing, *poop*
Parent: change diaper
Parent: wash hands
By the way, if the baby's a boy, and he is born with a sense of humor, he will think it's funny to pee only when his diaper is off. Have a shield on hand when changing the baby, and it might not be a bad idea to wear your K-mart rain poncho during the process. Remember that the best defense is a good offense.
3. The water balloon effect. The name of this one comes from the fact that though a newborn baby may have a stomach the size of a pea, they need to consume somewhere around what seems like 24 gallons a day. You may think it's physically impossible to store all that in a stomach so small, but refer to item #2 for further understanding.
By the way, I think I have a cute kid. Here are a couple of awesome pics from Meggan's photo shoot. (see
her site) Thanks Meggan!
"Siiiiiiimmbaaaa"
"Calvin Klein for babies"